I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
