but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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