life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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