Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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