Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize