Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
