this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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