Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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