We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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