Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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