PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
