I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
