I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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