Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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