Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize