I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
