The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
