Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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