I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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