Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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