Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish i was in the wii world.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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