I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize