I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
