1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
