I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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