if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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