I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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