She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
