I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
