ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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