Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
