this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
