We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
