Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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