Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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