you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
