I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
