I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
