im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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