I'm sorry my penis didn't work
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
