I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
