i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
