someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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