And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
