I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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