Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
