So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
