I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
