Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
