Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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