i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
