Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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