I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
