since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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