Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
