then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
