I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think my moral compass just broke
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