Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
