fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
