I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
