my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
