Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
