My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The adults are the big ones right?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
