....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
