When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
