I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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