my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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