my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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