Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
