did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is Oprah even human
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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